My Day in Bullets

• pretty sure my neighbor stole food out of my grocery bags right off my front porch
• went to a meeting of the St. Louis Bloggers Guild this morning
• I joined, though I haven't put the badge up, yet
• I was hungover
• I don't think anyone noticed
• I had been out the night before celebrating a coworker's new job
• Her brother tried to impress me by buying me shots
• Vodka is bad for me
• So is Red Bull
• Did I say that vodka is bad for me?
• Good
• It bears repeating a few more times
• I had fun and hadn't expected to
• I paid for it today
• Naps are good
• Vodka is bad
• I now have hot dogs buns but no hot dogs
• I find that really annoying
• Typical....day starts out good and ends weird

Naked Mondays # 15 Not to Skirt the Issue, but....

It's Monday and we all know what that means! It's Naked Mondays! Whoooo! ;) Continuing on the summer theme from last week, let's talk about skirts. I love skirts, mostly because they're not pants. You may remember my issues with pants from a former Naked Monday, well this isn't a new problem and until I started my love affair with the belt, I solved it by buying lots of skirts and dresses. Did I say I love skirts? Cuz, I do.;)

Most of the skirts and dresses I buy are about knee length and a-line. Why? Both will hide a multitude of sins, big butt, thick thighs, chubby knees.... been there, done that for all of them.

This is an example of what I was saying...right at knee length, a-line, this one is a-line from the ribs...not quite baby doll, more high waisted.

(I know, I know, everyone hates baby doll, but I like them if they fit right. For some reason, they're flattering on me.) Anyway, the length hits right at the point that shows off the best part of my legs. My calves, or the part that most resembles a chicken. ;) Now, the next picture will show a skirt that may not be everyone's idea of leg happiness, but they came in to my store and my girl, K, talked me into buying one. She says if I still look like a 22 year old, there's no reason why I can't still dress like one. I figured, hell, why not, if it fits. She waited until I had decided to buy it to tell me she wished she had thick legs like me. I, of course, burst into hysterical giggles, cuz that's not how you give a girl confidence in her appearance, but she was totally serious. (sigh) So, without further adieu, me in a miniskirt.

So, there I am, Naked, at least a small part of me. (Ok, not so small, most of my height is legs, so this is, like, half of me...you get the idea.)



So, now I'm curious how many of you like skirts. How many of you wear them all the time? And guys, how do you feel about skirts? Yea or nay? Until next time, enjoy the weather! (Unless you live in St. Louis, then feel free to curse the weathermen or whatever. 60's one day then high 80's the next? Freaking weather! Gah!)

Note: I have Naked Mondays items in my cafepress store, which you can find the link to in the top, left hand corner.

How to Make a Shoplifter Scream Obscenities at You in 12 Easy Steps

Step one: Notice your manager calling your name from the register.

Step Two: Use your woman powers to read her facial movements pointing you in the direction of potential shoplifters.

Step Three: Ask potential shoplifters if they are finding everything okay and if they need any help.

Step Four: Smile pleasantly at their, "No, thank yous" and busy yourself straightening messy clothes racks nearby.

Step Five: When they stare at you, seeming more interested in your presence than the clothes in front of them, continue to smile blankly and attempt to look busy and overwhelmed. (This should not be difficult.)

Step Six: As they wander aimlessly about the front section of the store, growing more and more uncomfortable, pull mislaid items from clothes racks and mutter to yourself about "filthy customers" and "not your fucking mother". Stay within 5-10 feet of suspected shoplifters at all times, mostly for your own amusement.

Step Seven: Listen as one of the women answers her phone and tells person on the other end about the "fucking bitch" who is following her around the store and all she wants is a long sleeved t-shirt, but she can't find one and the "fucking bitch" won't leave her alone.

Step Eight: Start to feel embarrassed, but realize that backing off won't do any good at this point and refuse to give her the satisfaction.

Step Nine: Watch as woman goes to register and throws tantrum that would shame a three year old, alerting entire store to drama.

Step Ten: Smile pleasantly as woman approaches you and demands your name. Give it to her and try not to laugh in her face.

Step Eleven: Watch as she stomps dramatically from the store in self-righteous rage, raise arms in the air and say, "That's right, I rawk!!"

Before anyone reads this and gets huffy, she and her friend were caught last week trying to forcibly remove a security tag from a shirt. After her dramatic exit, we were informed that she has actually been banned from the mall altogether. Had we known, we could have charged her with trespassing. She was not legally supposed to even be there. But, yeah, I'm the bad guy. Meanwhile, if she were to be stupid enough to call corporate and complain about me or "file a comment" as she put it, I would probably get a bonus for a job well done.