Under the Arch

This is as naked as it gets. I'm going to tell my story and then I will never mention it again. Comments will be closed on this post.

I've been sad today. I'm not sure what triggered it exactly. No, that's a lie. One of the bloggers I know in the way you know someone on the internet though you never met suffered a personal tragedy last week. And instead of rushing to support her, I pulled away because it was too painful for ME, which leaves me feeling guilty and raw, which is why I drank WAY more than was healthy for me Saturday night and had to have my hair held back by a friend for the very first time. I HATE that he saw me in pain like that, even if he had no idea what it was that he was seeing.

So, here we go. I've been in love twice in my lifetime. Once was with my high school sweetheart. He was my best friend for nine years and I was his. After some time had passed, we were able to be friends again after the break-up. The second was shorter and more complicated, but he taught me things about myself that I was grateful to learn. (But, yes, if I had the opportunity, I would happily kick him in the head.) Though we have tried, there is a very basic reason he and I can never be friends.

A few weeks after this break-up, I realized something was going on with my body. I was pregnant. The tiny bundle of cells lasted 8 weeks before my body rejected it. Long enough for the ex-boyfriend to tell me to end it, long enough for him to change his mind, long enough for me to tell him to go fuck himself, long enough for me to make a plan, long enough to picture a little face to go with the morning sickness and the "oh my god, I can smell EVERYTHING!". I wasn't ready and I wasn't prepared, but I was determined to make it work, to make a life for myself and a faceless little someone. And, then I didn't have to. And my heart just broke into a million pieces.

I thought that it would be like getting over a break-up, that over time, I would just go back to being myself. It didn't work like that. I spent months picking up the pieces of my life, pretending like everything was normal since only a handful of people had any idea what I'd gone through. I was TERRIFIED of accidentally getting pregnant again. I avoided men like the plague and retreated into the life I had created in my apartment, the life I was living here. I got up, I moved around, I breathed in and out. For a time, it was enough. I was surviving and it was enough.

If you've been here for a while, you know that I woke up from my half-life this summer and decided to date again. Breathing in and out wasn't enough anymore, there was less pretending and though I'll never be the person I was before, I wanted more than surviving. So I tried for a normal life. It hasn't always gone smoothly, but I'm getting there and I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to take that risk again. So, that's what I'm looking for, romance and a life. I think it's time. That is all. Today I am sad, but tomorrow will be better and at the next party I will politely decline the jello shots. I promise. ;)

I went to a community college near my hometown. I graduated with an Associates Degree and was supposed to go to Eastern Illinois University. I can't remember what happened exactly, though if I had to guess, I would say that there was a paper I forgot to fill out, I'm notorious for that sort of thing, but I couldn't go to Eastern, because their education program was full and I would have to wait a semester before I could go. My mom was not at all thrilled and she said that I was going to Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. I can point to that one decision for changing the course of my life. I can tell you where I would be now if I had waited the semester and gone to Eastern. I would probably be married to my high school sweetheart, the first great love of my life. I would also be absolutely. fucking. MISERABLE. I would already be a teacher for 6 years, but I would probably be contemplating divorce and have children. I would have the life I thought I wanted but I would be unhappy. I was already unhappy and dissatisfied with my choices, I just didn't know it yet. If I had stayed at Eastern, I would have never met my 2 best friends, Dan and Sarah, or my second great love, J. I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I wouldn't have had any reason to explore myself and discover my love for fashion or photography. I would still be the girl who had never had her own room or her own apartment. I would have never lived, not really. One choice and it completely changed the direction of my life. Thank God.

 

(And, thank you, R, for breaking up with me and allowing me to be free to discover myself and what I want out of my life. I'm still figuring that out but I'm also honestly enjoying the journey. I don't regret either our relationship or it's end.)

Can you point to any one decision, either one you made or one that was made for you that changed the course of your life? Share in the comments!

I was reading an article yesterday on BlogHer entitled "Are You Marriage Material? Er, Do You Want to Be?" and it got me to thinking. I never really talk about relationships here, or if I do, it's in general terms. I had a silly post planned about my apartment and how much of a slob I am but all this thinking about my life had to be shared because this isn't silly Monday, it's Naked Monday, and it doesn't get any more Naked than sharing your views on love, marriage and relationships. There won't be any photos with this post, but there's lots of Naked. Whew! Okay, here we go.

When I was 21, like many 21 year old girls, I thought I would graduate from college, have some fun, get married and start a family. Bing. Bang. Boom. Married by 25, first child by 30, happily ever after. Tada! Done. It never occurred to me to wonder if this was what I really wanted, or just what I thought I was supposed to want.

I have never really felt connected to my family. I love them and they love me, but I never felt like they "got" me. I get many confused or bemused looks from just about everyone, which is fine, but it left me craving a place to be, a family of my own. I still want that, just not in the same way anymore. At the time, though, I thought that meant husband, kids, dogs and a house.

Then, when I was 27, the 9 year relationship that I thought was going to transition into marriage, ended in anger, confusion, and pain on both sides. I sort of floated about for a while, played at meaningless relationships, but I still thought I was going to get that family. In fact, I told my sister that when I had my career going, if I still hadn't met a guy who was interested in giving it to me, I would just go to a sperm bank and do it myself. (Yes. I am an idiot occasionally. Okay, more than occasionally.) (Not that there is anything wrong with this decision, but it was definitely not a good decision for ME.) Then, about a year ago, I went through another big break up, not one that I thought was going to transition into marriage, but one that was very important to me. Some other things happened that are still too painful to talk about and I ended up in therapy for a short time. I'm telling you all of this as the back story for the point of this post, which is this, I am no longer interested in marriage or children. I love children and I think marriage works very well for many people, but I do not see myself joining them.

Now, let me back up a bit and say, I make it a point to never say never. Got it? I am NOT saying that I will never get married or have children. I AM saying that it is not something I want right now and it seems less and less likely as time goes by. This is why.

My life is relatively uncomplicated. It sometimes resembles a Lifetime movie or an episode of Jerry Springer (believe me, you don't want to know) but I, myself, prefer a simple life. My personality comes into play here, too. I'm never going to be a wife in the traditional sense of the word, I don't think it's in me. I don't see anything wrong with that, either. I am supremely absent minded. I recognize that movie stereotype in myself. I get caught up in projects and deep thoughts and unimportant things like dishes and vacuuming fall by the way side. I don't do domestic. Color, design, beautiful things I can do, remembering to pay bills on time or making sure there is food in the house to eat, hell, remembering to EAT at all is too much for me. (My diet secret right there. FORGET TO EAT.) It's a constant struggle for me to keep on top of every day things like schedules and being somewhere on time. I accidentally locked my cat out on my balcony for hours. Twice! Luckily, she's used to my inattention, so other than verbally letting me have it for a good half an hour, she was fine. (Yes, she yelled at me. I have no idea what she was saying, but I think I can imagine the gist of it.) Not that I think I would ever do that with a child and I've spent lots of time caring for children and infants, but it does make me hesitate to get a dog. ;)

I'm not getting any pressure from my family to settle down and produce grandchildren. In fact, I told my Mom last Fall not to expect any grandchildren from me, that I didn't think it was going to happen any time soon, probably not at all and she was fine with it. She has one grandchild, my nephew, who is (ahem) a hand full. She told me that I should do whatever I think is best. And then I cried. (Have I mentioned lately how awesome my Mom is?)

None of these decisions have come about overnight, I've thought long and hard about it and talked, talked, talked about it with people who are close to me and every time I say it out loud, it gets a little easier to say and feels a little more right. So, what does all this nonsense mean, exactly? What do I want out of my life? I like love and being in love and hope to find that again someday. I like companionship and would like to have a roommate in the girl/boy sense of the word again someday. That's pretty much it at this point. That's all I have room for, all I'm looking for. Will that ever change? Maybe. Talk to me a few years from now, or after finding someone special and I may change my mind. Never say never, right? ;)

Today, though, this is where I am. Really Naked.

I was talking to a friend last night about twitter, trying to explain what makes it so great and I said, "Here, I'll show you something I posted today." and I showed him the twitter I made about dying my hair and he looked at me, somewhat horrified and said, "And 72 people read about you dying your hair, on purpose?" And I laughed, because when you put it like that, it's sort of ridiculous, but I still like it and every time I twitter something silly I'll think of the expression on his face and remember that 72 people are reading my nonsense. The internets are awesome. ;)

As far as Naked Mondays go...this week I'm feeling sort of naked already, kind of raw and exposed which, even with all the things about myself I share with all of you, it's just too much. I'm going to take a little break, just for a day or two, until I feel like talking again. I'm fine and I'll be fine, I just can't do this today.

For fun, and to keep you occupied, if there's anything you've ever wondered about me that I haven't already shared, feel free to ask a question in the comments and when I get back, I'll answer them in a post. Love you guys, mwah!

I can't wait to see the Google searches that find this post. Hee.

I love that TV is back to normal and how great is it that Grey's and LOST are on the same night? Grey's is back to the amazing show it was at the beginning and I have a confession to make.

The kiss between the two soldiers was desperate and passionate and full of pain and fear. It felt very real, which is not the norm between actors, at least I don't think so. Also, it was HOT. Full on HAWT. ;) I bring this up, because it started me thinking about a "quirk" of my personality that can give me trouble in public, one that I often hide from others. (How many of these little quirks do I have, you ask? I'm only getting started.)


If you knew me in "real" life, you would probably know that I have a small problem watching movies with comedy based on the embarrassment of the characters. If you and I are close you would know that it goes much deeper than that. I have a hard time watching other people express emotion, whether it's in real life or on the magic box we call television. I can't watch others cry without crying. I get terribly angry at fictional injustice. But, I have the biggest problem with embarrassment. (my friend Sarah is reading this right now and nodding her head emphatically) This little quirk has grown to a full blown phobia in the last few years. What used to make me vaguely uncomfortable, now makes me almost physically ill. Yeah. am. FREAK.

I first realized that I had a problem when I would change the channel away from or fast forward through Friends when one of the characters was about to do something stupid (Joey) or feel really embarrassed because of something they had done (usually Ross). This was fine when I was alone but when I was watching with my boyfriend, it was all I could do not to snatch the remote right out of his hands. PLEASE! for the LOVE OF GAWD! Don't make me SEE this!!!! Then, one day he caught me fast forwarding and I had to confess.

I CAN'T WATCH THE EMBARRASSMENT!!! And I do mean CAN'T. Can not. Can't (getting the picture?) My heart starts to race, my face gets hot, I scrunch down in my seat and cover my face, cringing until it's over. I'd much rather fast forward or change the channel. Unfortunately, that is not really an option every time. So what do I do? I avoid. I won't see a movie in the theater that I think is full of humor brought on by embarrassment. (Dumb and Dumber, She's the Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) If enough people tell me how good a movie is, I'll rent it and watch BY MYSELF to save others from the crazy. I avoid sitcoms for the most part. (That's right, I've never seen The Office other than bits and pieces that made it obvious that this show is NOT FOR ME. Great for others, NOT FOR ME.)

The problem with my little "problem" is that it is so hard to explain WHY it is a problem at all. I don't KNOW why I can't watch others be embarrassed. I don't KNOW why it has gotten worse over time rather than better. I don't KNOW where it came from. I KNOW it's not logical. I KNOW it's funny to others. I UNDERSTAND why my friends make fun of me about it. It's annoying as HELL. But. It's me. That is all.

My statcounter is just about to roll over to 3000 hits. That may not seem like much, but to me, it's amazing. I started this blog in July of 2007 and it just keeps growing and growing. I'm involved in this amazing community of people, communicating with perfect strangers everyday.

And this Sunday, I'm going to meet a bunch of them face-to-face! It's like going on a blind date with a handful of people! (I'm still not sure how many people will actually be there...6? 10?) I'm equally excited and nervous as hell. The weird part is explaining it to non-bloggers.

"There's this woman, she's a fairly famous blogger in the community and she's driving around the country, meeting other bloggers and encouraging us to meet each other. How awesome is that? "
"Uh, sure?"
"And, now, I'm going to meet her and a bunch of other women who also write on the internet and we're going to drink cocktails and, I don't know, braid each other's hair or something!"
"Um, great? What's a blog, again?"

I don't consider myself an antisocial person or a particularly reserved one, (hello, Naked Mondays?) but I think as bloggers, it's often easier to maintain this community of internet friends when we only have to expose ourselves via the computer. And as a woman who spends a majority of her time in school surrounded by 21-22 year olds, I'm thrilled to have an opportunity to make real live grown up friends. Ugh, I'm not sure what I'm saying here, but I'm excited (and nervous!) about meeting everyone and judging from the other Bossy meet-ups I've read about, we're all going to have a great time. So, look for my reactions Monday, or if you're going to be at the chocolate bar Sunday evening, I'll be the dork drunk from two chocolate martinis, and please, don't let me dance on anything!

That may seem melodramatic to some, but I found something today while sorting through some of the boxes still littering my living room (still working on that news years thing) that had a significant impact on my life.

I had to take a psychology class in high school and one lesson in that class changed the way I looked at myself. The teacher passed out large note cards with yarn strung through them and we were instructed to loop the card around our necks, with the card hanging down our backs. Then, everyone had to go around the room and write something positive on each person's card anonymously. After everyone had made it around the room, we took the cards off and read them.
For the first time, I was getting a real idea about what people saw when they looked at me. Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, it really is easier to believe the bad stuff people say about you than the good stuff. But, though I know that some of the things written on my card were my fellow students just being nice, there were enough truly sincere comments on it to startle me.

I had no idea at the time that others saw me this way, frankly, at the time, I wasn't sure others saw me at all. But they did, and it really did change things for me.

I've kept this card for thirteen years and I'll continue to keep it safe because every time I look at it, I remember that shy, insecure girl who realized that she was seen by her peers for the very first time and as something more than she saw in herself.

I've been thinking about resolutions all day and what I could actually stick to were I to make some, and this is what I came up with......

1. Make more conscious decisions
basically what I mean by this is to stop letting things just happen as they will rather than make the decisions that will effect my future

2. Keep knitting
I have a bad habit of starting a project only to never finish it, I don't want knitting to one of those things. To help, I have been on the lookout for easy stitches to try and people in my life that NEED a scarf, since that's the only shape I can do so far.

3. COMPLETELY clean my apartment and attempt to keep it that way
It would be easier if I had a housekeeper, but I'm poor, so that's never going to happen. But, I told myself if I can keep up something that even resembles clean, I'll get a puppy in the spring.

4. Try to work out my flabby arms
I've lost 30 pounds in the past year and my flabby grandma arms have become even more obvious and I'm sick of looking at them, they have to go. (This is prolly the least likely of all that I will keep, but it does concern me, so I'll try.)

5. Work on my writing
I want to write more (better quality would be nice also). I'm hoping to actually register a domain sometime this year.

That's it, short and sweet. What would YOU like to work on this year?

Year end meme up

I found this meme at Red Stapler, and it made me very nervous, which instantly made me want to do it. (of course)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Took an overnight vacation to Chicago by myself (which I really liked, except for the driving)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any last year, and my only resolution for this year is to make more conscious decisions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One of my best friends from high school got married and his wife gave birth this summer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I don't really know how to answer this question.

5. What countries did you visit?
I barely went anywhere this year, no more than a few hours away, and no new states.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

A career rather than a gig. More sex, and a stable relationship would be nice.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 2, my 30th birthday, when I found out I was going to miscarry, and April 28, my friend's wedding reception, where I desperately tried to hide how miserable and angry I was about my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving mostly intact and realizing that it's OK to be sad if something terrible happens, you don't have to jump back up and keep moving as if nothing happened, even if that would make others more comfortable.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Continuing to allow someone to influence my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

new clothes for the new me

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My friend Dan was barely a friend before this year, but he really stepped up and was there for me when I needed him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My ex, whose "I want you"/"Stay away from me" back and forth I participated in for far too long.

The government and the media continues to appall and depress me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

New apartment, living expenses and new clothes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Nothing really

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

anything by A Fine Frenzy

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder?
Way sadder
b) thinner or fatter?
thinner, strange how that works

c) richer or poorer?

about the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

exploring my new city

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

hiding in my apartment

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In Mt. Vernon with my family, which was nice, I had a lot of time to think and made some decisions that I had been putting off.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Nope

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chuck is one of the new ones that I really enjoy and actually look forward to watching every week.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is too strong...it's more like severe disappointment.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read too much to answer this one, but I'm currently reading "Round Ireland with a fridge" by Tony Hawks which is hilarious.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A Fine Frenzy and Brandi Carlile

26. What did you want and get?

To learn how to knit.

27. What did you want and not get?

Peace of mind. Closure.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix or The Bourne Ultimatum

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

refer to question #7

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Uncomplicated companionship with someone of the opposite sex

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

a little retro, a little modern, soft swinging dresses and fun shoes

32. What kept you sane?

This assumes that I am sane, and there are those that would argue that point. friends, family (especially my sister, which is a shock), shopping, and work

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Matt Damon (I don't know how you could watch the Bourne Ultimatum and not want to take him home in your pocket for later.)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Health care.

35. Who did you miss?

my grandpa, who has been gone for a long time now, but I find myself dreaming of him and my ex who was gone, and then not gone, and then gone again.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I haven't really "met" any new people this year, but thanks to NaBloPoMo, I have begun a fledgling relationship with some bloggers and I am pleased as punch that they find me interesting enough to read what I have to say.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Just because you have figured out what you want and where you're going, does not mean the others around you can do the same thing. (you would think that I would be used to this by now)


38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I've been kind of all over the place this year, up, down, and all around, but I guess now you would put me about here....."Hope for the Hopeless" by A Fine Frenzy
You can find the lyrics for the whole song here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/afinefrenzy/hopeforthehopeless.html

These are the bits that really resonated with me over the weekend:

Making the best of it
Playing the hand you get
You're not alone in this

There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope






This meme is courtesy of Linda at Sundry Mourning, who is keeping track of the players. So let her know if you decide to go along for the ride.

All I can say is thank god this year is over, and I'm crossing my fingers that things improve in the new year, I know I'm off to a good start.

I am a 31 year old woman/girl from Southern Illinois. I currently live in St. Louis, MO, which was the inspiration for this blog. I've lived and loved, made mistakes and lots of art along the way. I confuse my family and amuse just about everyone else. I'm one of the kindest people you will ever meet, but don't let the kindness fool you. I'm also selfish, manipulative and lazy. Now that we've got my faults out the way, feel free to shower me with praise. I'll wait. No, really, go ahead. No? Humph. Moving on.

I am the oldest of three children. My parents are still married to each other and still living in the house they bought when I was a year old. They live south of my hometown, a couple of miles from a large lake. My memories of childhood are set outside....playing in the yard....running through the woods at my grandma's house....jumping off the boat into dark lake water....mudpies and ice cold creeks...catching frogs and feral kittens...chasing after older male cousins...love and laughter and angst.

I have one nephew, Hayden, the monkey boy. I love him to pieces, but am more than happy to send him home to his mom after a weekend visit.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be when I grow up. When is that, exactly? In the meantime, I'll laugh and love and take lots of photos along the way. Thank you for joining me on my adventure. ;)

Love,
Bri










you can contact me by email
bludaisys at hotmail dot com

Some are silly, some are serious, but all are wishes...for myself.
(I'll be updating this one periodically.)

1. backpack around Europe
2. knit a sweater
3. sing the National Anthem at a major league baseball game
4. ride a horse on a beach in Hawaii
5. scuba diving in the ocean
6. wander around New York city
7. own a used bookstore
8. sell my art
9. live in a place with a closet big enough to hold all my clothes and shoes at once
10. take a cooking class
11. take a ballroom dance class
12. visit the Grand Canyon again
13. go on vacation and do nothing but lie on a beach and eat amazing food
14. learn to surf
15. Go to BlogHer!
16. Take my own Jeep to Camp Jeep

What would be on your bucket list?