Under the Arch

I was reading an article yesterday on BlogHer entitled "Are You Marriage Material? Er, Do You Want to Be?" and it got me to thinking. I never really talk about relationships here, or if I do, it's in general terms. I had a silly post planned about my apartment and how much of a slob I am but all this thinking about my life had to be shared because this isn't silly Monday, it's Naked Monday, and it doesn't get any more Naked than sharing your views on love, marriage and relationships. There won't be any photos with this post, but there's lots of Naked. Whew! Okay, here we go.

When I was 21, like many 21 year old girls, I thought I would graduate from college, have some fun, get married and start a family. Bing. Bang. Boom. Married by 25, first child by 30, happily ever after. Tada! Done. It never occurred to me to wonder if this was what I really wanted, or just what I thought I was supposed to want.

I have never really felt connected to my family. I love them and they love me, but I never felt like they "got" me. I get many confused or bemused looks from just about everyone, which is fine, but it left me craving a place to be, a family of my own. I still want that, just not in the same way anymore. At the time, though, I thought that meant husband, kids, dogs and a house.

Then, when I was 27, the 9 year relationship that I thought was going to transition into marriage, ended in anger, confusion, and pain on both sides. I sort of floated about for a while, played at meaningless relationships, but I still thought I was going to get that family. In fact, I told my sister that when I had my career going, if I still hadn't met a guy who was interested in giving it to me, I would just go to a sperm bank and do it myself. (Yes. I am an idiot occasionally. Okay, more than occasionally.) (Not that there is anything wrong with this decision, but it was definitely not a good decision for ME.) Then, about a year ago, I went through another big break up, not one that I thought was going to transition into marriage, but one that was very important to me. Some other things happened that are still too painful to talk about and I ended up in therapy for a short time. I'm telling you all of this as the back story for the point of this post, which is this, I am no longer interested in marriage or children. I love children and I think marriage works very well for many people, but I do not see myself joining them.

Now, let me back up a bit and say, I make it a point to never say never. Got it? I am NOT saying that I will never get married or have children. I AM saying that it is not something I want right now and it seems less and less likely as time goes by. This is why.

My life is relatively uncomplicated. It sometimes resembles a Lifetime movie or an episode of Jerry Springer (believe me, you don't want to know) but I, myself, prefer a simple life. My personality comes into play here, too. I'm never going to be a wife in the traditional sense of the word, I don't think it's in me. I don't see anything wrong with that, either. I am supremely absent minded. I recognize that movie stereotype in myself. I get caught up in projects and deep thoughts and unimportant things like dishes and vacuuming fall by the way side. I don't do domestic. Color, design, beautiful things I can do, remembering to pay bills on time or making sure there is food in the house to eat, hell, remembering to EAT at all is too much for me. (My diet secret right there. FORGET TO EAT.) It's a constant struggle for me to keep on top of every day things like schedules and being somewhere on time. I accidentally locked my cat out on my balcony for hours. Twice! Luckily, she's used to my inattention, so other than verbally letting me have it for a good half an hour, she was fine. (Yes, she yelled at me. I have no idea what she was saying, but I think I can imagine the gist of it.) Not that I think I would ever do that with a child and I've spent lots of time caring for children and infants, but it does make me hesitate to get a dog. ;)

I'm not getting any pressure from my family to settle down and produce grandchildren. In fact, I told my Mom last Fall not to expect any grandchildren from me, that I didn't think it was going to happen any time soon, probably not at all and she was fine with it. She has one grandchild, my nephew, who is (ahem) a hand full. She told me that I should do whatever I think is best. And then I cried. (Have I mentioned lately how awesome my Mom is?)

None of these decisions have come about overnight, I've thought long and hard about it and talked, talked, talked about it with people who are close to me and every time I say it out loud, it gets a little easier to say and feels a little more right. So, what does all this nonsense mean, exactly? What do I want out of my life? I like love and being in love and hope to find that again someday. I like companionship and would like to have a roommate in the girl/boy sense of the word again someday. That's pretty much it at this point. That's all I have room for, all I'm looking for. Will that ever change? Maybe. Talk to me a few years from now, or after finding someone special and I may change my mind. Never say never, right? ;)

Today, though, this is where I am. Really Naked.